Pokémon Are Either Friends or Food
Clarity is kindness, ambiguity is abuse
Policy Brief
Humane Pokémon Welfare Institute (HPWI)
All Pokémon lives are equal, but some Pokémon lives are more equal than others. Why do we eat Farfetch’d but not Pikachu?
The problem isn’t that we eat Pokémon. The problem is that we don’t have a consistent way to determine which ones should be eaten.
Classification is clarity.
Pokémon lives matter, so they deserve clarity on how they fit within our lives. When we don’t have clarity, we can’t use them efficiently.
If we can’t use them efficiently, we are wasting their lives.
Clarity is compassion.
As sentient beings, Pokémon have every right to know their purpose in life.
Recommendation: all Pokémon must be classified as either friends or food.
Problem context
Which animals count as food in human society is a complex, nuanced decision driven by historical domestication and cultural norms.
Dogs are family. Pigs are bacon. Both are sentient.
We made a choice.
The issue here isn’t the subjective, relative nature of what counts as food. The issue is that individual trainers make arbitrary, moral decisions that decide the lives of Pokémon they encounter in the wild.
Only the unregulated free market should have that power.
We owe it to Pokémon, living beings capable of suffering, and ourselves to have an honest and consistent ethical framework in deciding which ones are companions or condiments
Some Pokémon are partners. Some are protein. That’s ok!
Classification isn’t cruelty.
The cruelty is pretending there’s no difference.
Classification definitions
There are two categories Pokémon can be classified into:
Friends (not for human consumption, more useful alive than dead):
Owner discretion to be used as companion, pet or athlete-battler
Enjoys basic rights to risk-adjusted healthcare
Eligible for combat licensing and training programs
Food (for human consumption, more useful dead than alive):
Provided humane standards for farming and slaughter
Receives optimized nutrition for accelerated growth
Benefits from advanced genetic modification for maximum yields
These clear, easy-to-understand categories mean all Pokémon can be integrated into the economy in the most efficient manner, minimizing waste. No longer would expensive healthcare be squandered on food-grade Pokémon e.g., healing a Miltank instead of enjoying its intense marbling, rich umami flavour, and buttery, melt-in-your-mouth texture when grilled over fire
We know classification works.
Right now, there are millions of tonnes of untapped Pokémon food sources that are going to waste.
We could solve world hunger.
A Tauros in a Pokéball is a tragedy. A Tauros on a plate is a purpose.
Classification methodology
In partnership with Pokémon rights NGOs and international governments, we developed a robust, fair and ethical system to classify Pokémon as either friends or food. It is simple but not simplistic. Complex but not complicated. Most importantly, it is consistent and equitable, aligned with how we treat other non-human living beings:
Note: Pokémon that are neither friends nor food i.e., fugly and inedible, will be used as commodities like industrial feedstock or raw materials
How will Pokémon be assessed for cuteness?
An Empathy Aptitude Test (EAT) will be used. A representative sample of 1,000 humans are shown AI-generated images of each Pokémon being eaten. If a two-thirds supermajority feel sad seeing the Pokémon consumed, the Pokémon is classified as a friend. Otherwise, the Pokémon will be classified as food.
Once classified, a Pokémon will finally be free to fulfill its (economic) destiny.
This also gives us the confidence to spend finite resources on Pokémon, knowing there are clear, proven pathways to profitability no matter the classification.
For friends, funding for training, healthcare and sponsorships will be provided so they can be the best human companions possible e.g., superstar battlers with merchandise deals and breeding rights, or service companions that help humans live fuller lives.
For food, smart CapEx investments will industrialize breeding, growing and slaughtering Pokémon, at scale, for human consumption. Processing raw Pokémon meat into safe, shelf-stable products, materials and byproducts will also create meaningful, well-paying jobs for people around the world.
It is cruel to force a Magikarp to battle when its highest use is as sashimi, its pale, pearlescent white flesh suggesting not just freshness but something closer to vitality, a bite releasing clean, briny sweetness without fishiness — the sea at its most elegant, distilled to a single, luminous note.
Classification also means flexibility of purpose.
When friends no longer perform, we don’t throw them away.
We re-purpose them.
Yesterday’s champion Blaziken is tomorrow’s roast whole bird, its succulent meat the pale gold of raw almond milk, tasting like chicken in its most exalted form — not like butter, or herb or even technique. Just Chicken.
No matter the classification, clarity means a life of dignity for Pokémon.
Addressing ethical objections
Critics will call this inhumane or unethical.
We disagree.
We already capture Pokémon without consent, dogfight them without release of death and store them indefinitely. Why would clarity around treating them as friends or food be problematic?
We already eat them.
Classifying Pokémon simply holds us to a higher ethical standard of consistency. Nothing is more immoral than having Pokémon languish in moral purgatory.
What’s more unfair than exempting Pokémon from the categorizing we do for all other aspects of human life?
All Pokémon lives matter, so they should know how their lives will matter. We are simply being honest with Pokémon and ourselves
Some might argue this classification is arbitrary. All classification is arbitrary and human-centric. Pretending otherwise would be a lie.
Others will say Pokémon are sentient and capable of feeling pain. So are pigs. We are simply extending the same honesty to Pokémon, who have a right to know whether it will be a champion or a cutlet.
What’s more humane than maximising the value we extract from sentient beings capable of feeling pain?
Looking ahead
Every Pokémon deserves to know their purpose.
Friends serve through companionship. Food serves through sustenance.
Purposelessness is cruelty.
Preliminary classifications have shown very positive results, with 9%-12% real GDP growth from pilot countries that categorized and financialized Pokémon as either friends or food.
With such promising results, a classification system that works this well would be irresponsible not to reuse. We see many applications beyond Pokémon in extending this approach to other domains in human society.
Clarity is kindness.
Everyone deserves to know if they are guests at the table or the main course.
It’s a modest proposal.
Finally, someone brave enough to seek moral clarity.
Incredible, hilarious, and completely missing the point as usual. Love it.