Your Charizard is a Weapon of Mass Destruction

Policy Brief

Humane Pokemon Welfare Institute (HPWI)

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Executive summary

When a Pokemon’s power is equivalent to a tactical nuclear weapon, it is no longer a separate, sentient species.

It is an unregulated weapon of mass destruction.

Charizard’s Blast Burn has a yield of 0.6 kilotons, 40 times the yield of W54, the smallest tactical nuclear warhead made.

Gyarados’s Hyper Beam can level cities, a destructive power rivalling strategic-level nuclear bombs with payloads in the hundreds of kilotons.

These are not pocket monsters.

These are pocket nukes.

Recommendation: any Pokemon capable of causing mass human casualties will be registered, stored and disarmed (eliminated).

The threat landscape: uncontrolled proliferation

Pokemon are intrinsically powerful.

They have abilities that go beyond the current understanding of modern science. Mewtwo, a psychic bio-weapon created in vitro by the criminal syndicate Team Rocket, is able to telepathically control humans through mind control.

Such power could cripple liberal democracy around the world, forcing voters to vote against their best interests, ignoring the cognitive dissonance from the mental gymnastics of being hypocrites.

Pokemon are undocumented, making ownership easy and accessible.

This means an uncontrollable proliferation in two directions:

1. Vertical: existing trainers make their Pokemon exponentially more powerful through training and evolution

2. Horizontal: new trainers, with no background checks required, can start building a team of Pokemon anytime, anywhere

Over time, more people will have more Pokemon that get ever more dangerous.

Today’s Charmander is tomorrow’s Charizard.

While Pokemon are beloved companions, they are undeniably a dual-use technology with destructive first-strike capabilities.

What is stopping non-state actors, like Team Rocket, from conducting terrorist attacks using powerful evolved or even legendary Pokemon? Of kickstarting a cascading failure scenario that forces states to use nuclear deterrence as defence, culminating in mutually assured destruction?

The consequences of a Black Swan (not a Pokemon) event are unthinkable.

Proposed solution: pro-active management

We must treat all Pokemon as potential weapons of mass destruction.

Fortunately, existing nuclear weapons frameworks provide a proven approach: Register. Store. Disarm.

This three-step approach to protecting national security through zero-trust architecture will be overseen by a central governing body: The International Pokemon Control Agency (IPCA).

#1. Registration: all Pokemon will be classified using a 5-point threat assessment matrix

• Category I (Negligible): non-lethal to humans

  • Examples: Magikarp, Caterpie/Metapod, Sunkern

• Category II (Limited): can cause individual fatalities

  • Examples: Squirtle, Rattata, Pidgey

• Category III (Significant): capable of mass casualties (>4 fatalities)

  • Examples: Pikachu, Charizard, Machamp

• Category IV (Severe): strategic target destruction (>100 fatalities, infrastructure collapse)

  • Examples: Gyrados, Dragonite, Tyranitar

• Category V (Existential): global, catastrophic threat (>1000 fatalities, ecological devastation)

  • Examples: Mewtwo, Kyogre, Groudon, Arceus

Assuming a normal distribution, 49% of a typical trainer’s team consists of Category III-V sentient, biological weapon systems.

#2. Storage: all Pokemon will have storage requirements commensurate to their threat level to humans

Pokemon in Category I do not have any storage requirements.

Those in Category II must have explosive compliance collars that automatically detonate and neutralize the Pokemon if any power above lethal thresholds is detected.

All Pokemon in Category III will be permanently stored in Master Balls, which are placed inside additional Master Balls in Matryoshka-doll fashion - all within a maximum security storage facility. Even if a Pokemon breaks free from the innermost ball, it remains trapped in outer Master Balls.

This nested architecture ensures zero breakout risk.

#3. Disarmament: all Pokemon in Category III and above will undergo a gradual, humane process of “complete biological decommissioning”

This will be a quick and painless procedure, using compassion-forward, proprietary aerosolized neuro-sedatives that ensure gentle termination.

Preliminary estimates show that 93.6% of all Pokemon would be considered Category III or higher.

While unfortunately this means almost every Pokemon will be “disarmed”, it is a small price to pay for the safety of humanity and the global world order.

In fact, it is through this proactive approach to managing Pokemon that we guaranteed not all Pokemon need to be unilaterally “decommissioned”.

Conclusion: the burden of love

By applying evidence-based policy to Pokemon management, we protect humanity from unregulated WMD proliferation. The long-tail risk of Pokemon killing or harming a significant number of people cannot be ignored.

Critics will call this “genocide”, but biological decommissioning is the most humane option for managing dangerous Pokemon before they become a threat to humans and other harmless Pokemon.

Protecting Pokemon from misuse by ensuring they no longer exist to be misused is the best way to show our love for them.

We learned from smallpox: the only way to eliminate an existential threat is through systematic, global elimination.

No half-measures.

No exceptions.

Pokemon aren’t a disease but the principle holds: when something poses existential risk for humans, extinction isn’t just “acceptable”.

It’s just responsible policy.

If you truly love something, like we love Pokemon at the Humane Pokemon Welfare Institute, you do not let it become a weapon of mass destruction.

You let it go.

It just so happens that “letting it go” means processing Pokemon into safe, inert biomass.