Grox News Network: Propagorkda For The Boyz
Boss,
Mork (or maybe Gork) woz whisperin’ in me ear last night. Gave me a right proppa vision. He said we can make your WAAAGH! bigger, meaner, and greener by pointin’ all da boyz’ finkin’ in da same direction.
WHY DIS MATTERS (VERY IMPORTUNT!!!)
Da mor boyz believin’ da same fing, da truer it gets. We all believe in da prophet Ghazghkull Thraka, an’ dat’s why ‘e’s gonna lead us to da Great WAAAGH! at da end times, innit?
Look, I worked it out wif some scribbly bitz:
ORK POWER = (NUMBA OF BOYZ) x (HOW HARD DEY BELIEVE) x (DEY ALL BELIEVIN’ DA SAME ZOGGIN’ FING)
We got loads of Orks all across da galaxy, but dey all believe different fings! Some dummy gitz fink if dey can’t see ya, ya can’t see dem. Other idiots fink da world is flat. Worst of all, some gitz got it backwards an’ fink Gork is brutal an’ Mork is cunnin’ when any proppa Ork knows it’s da other way ‘round!
Imagine if we ‘ad a way to tell ALL da boyz in da whole universe wot ta fink.
We’d be unstoppable.
DA BIG PROBLEM WIV DIS PLAN
I spent a whole day finkin’ ‘bout dis instead of workin’ on me Gorkanaut. Now, I could run around tellin’ each git wot ta believe, but dere’s millions of ‘em an’ only one of me. Plus, boyz is forgetful - I’d ‘ave ta do it every single day, which means less time fer buildin’ fings an’ bein’ killy meself.
We ain’t got no organized or scalable way ta edumacate da boyz in our warband, let alone across da whole galaxy. We gotta tap into da power of ALL da Orks, not just da ones in our camp.
DA RECOMMENDATION (DIS IS DA GOOD BIT)
So I came up wif a dead kunnin’ plan. We build a Grox News Propagorkda Network to shout at all da boyz, all da time, and tell ‘em what to believe. It’s got two bitz:
PROPAGORKDA GITS: A new job for da runtiest boyz. We give ‘em big speakas and a list of “Official Truffs” to scream. Their whole job is to run around da camp all day, shoutin’ stuff like “RED GOEZ FASTA!” and “DAKKA IZ ACCURATE!” to keep da boyz focused
KOMMUNI-KAYSHUN INFRASTRUCTURE: Satellites, telecom arrays, mega-vox casters - all dat gubbinz ta broadcast our beliefs all around da galaxy. It runs 24/7 so there’s never a moment when a git needs ta fink fer ‘imself. He just turns on da box anytime and we tell him exactly wot ta believe
I call it da GROX NEWS NETWORK (yer believe it, cuz we yell it)
Now, I know wot yer finkin’, Boss: “Dis gonna cost a lotta teef up front.” An’ yeah, it will. But fink of it as an investment. Once we got a critical mass of boyz on our network, we can sell their belief-power ta other Warlords when dey need extra juice fer somfing big.
Boss, ya might be finkin’ dis is too good ta be true.
It ain’t.
In fact, it gets even betta.
DA REALLY GOOD BIT (KULTUR RE-ENGINEERIN’)
A Propagorkda Network lets us reshape Ork kultur ‘cause we control wot dey believe in. Right now, might is right. An’ dat’s right. But what if da rule was “DA BIGGEST... AND DA GIT ON DA TELLY... IZ DA BOSS”?
Ya won’t ‘ave ta waste time fightin’ idiot Nobs ‘cause all da boyz will believe an’ know dat YOU is da boss - no questions asked. Ya get ta focus on da WAAAGH!, not worryin’ about yer position or any unpredictable “survival of da fittest” nonsense.
Wouldn’t it be nice if da boyz just did wot ya told ‘em wivout needin’ ta smash a few skulls in first? Wiv Propagorkda, we become da mightiest ‘cause we tell da boyz wot ta believe, which makes it true.
We focus da power of all Orks around da galaxy on da fings dat matter most, which makes us MORE KILLY.
No more muckin’ about. Just pure, proppa WAAAGH!
Fer da WAAAGH!,
Jazza Wakkaz, inventor of da Hannablasta
Thinkin’ Division, Big Brainz Dept